Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The Truth Hurts

The truth?

I'm in pain.  All the time. My facial muscles are in spasm and are cramping and I have burning nerve type pain across my face, forehead, temporal region and beyond.  The last week it's constantly been around an 8 on my pain scale of 1 - 10 and nothing really seems to bring the pain down.  My whole head feels like it just might explode.

My hope is that the medical botox injections I am getting today will make it all better for a little while. But I honestly don't know what the whole purpose of all this is.

There may not be a purpose.

It may just be that we live in a sinful broken world and I'm over 40.

But if my purpose at all is to encourage anyone else out there living with chronic pain, then I want to get that checked off.  I do not want to be a poster child for chronic pain. But if misery loves company, that's about what I can offer you at this point.

And when my pain is at this point, and I see you out in public, and I don't make eye contact, and I sit in the back of the room, and I leave the absolute first second I can without sticking around to chat, please know that it is because I have absolutely nothing to give.

I am quite possibly counting the seconds until I can leave and go find someplace quiet to bawl and be alone with my pain. Because if you asked me how I was doing I probably told you, "Great!" and walked quietly away.

How I'm feeling would actually take about 10 minutes of your time, and social settings rarely have that built in. And I honestly don't want to be that candid with most people.

It makes a person vulnerable.

Because if you share and then you can tell they honestly don't care, it hurts.

And if they do care, they feel compelled to do something for you because you shared. And honestly, HONESTLY, it is not my intent to be a burden to anyone or compel anyone to do anything on my behalf.

Pretty much feel like I'm drowning at this point. And the hardest part is that I still have children and a husband that need me.

My baby girl has been asking me every day for a week to make cookies with her.  When she asked again Monday night I told her maybe we could make them the next day if I was feeling better. She said, "You always say tomorrow."

 I just about cried. It was true. So what did I do? I got out my Star Wars matching Mommy and Child aprons and we made snickerdoodles.

I was counting the seconds of pain just to get through but she was counting the minutes of fun Mommy and Anna time.  She told me so many times how much fun she was having.

My only goal most days is just to do the next thing. I am SO hoping and praying that this next set of medical botox shots goes into effect quickly and lasts more than 45 days.   But y'all, I'm actually dreading it like I was dreading childbirth. Just to be completely honest.

It's raining here in Texas today and I've been listening to Jars of Clay 'Flood' circa some years way long ago when I was in college. Seems appropriate.

Happy Tuesday!!!

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